A Message from John Cleese


   To the citizens of the United States of America: In light of your
   failure to elect competent Senators and Congressmen and thus to
   govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
   independence, effective immediately.

   Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
   duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting
   Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony
   Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for
   further elections.

   Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be
   circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

   To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
   following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

   You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
   Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You
   will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

   The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
   'neighbour.'

   Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half
   the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

   Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
   acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same
   twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like"
   and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
   communication.

   There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know
   on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
   account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

   You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
   Queen." July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November
   2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in
   England. It will be called "Come-Upp ance Day."
   You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
   lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
   therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
   Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
   sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist
   then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will
   no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a
   vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a
   vegetable peeler in public.

   All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
   your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
   what we mean.

   All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
   start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
   you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
   conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
   understand the British sense of humour.

   The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
   calling "gasoline")-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

   You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
   fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
   potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut,
   fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
   The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
   beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred
   to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance
   will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to
   as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk
   of further confusion.

   Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
   good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
   play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
   dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to
   having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

   You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind
   of proper  football; you call it "soccer" Those of you brave enough
   will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
   to American "football," but does not involve stopping for a rest
   every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch
   of nancies).

   Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
   host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not
   played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that
   there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

   You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

   An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from her Majesty's
   Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
   monies due (backdated to 1776).
   Thank you for your co-operation.